I discovered girls quite early. Did I really discover them? It wasn’t like I was wearing a dusty leather jacket, bull whip and felt fedora searching some ancient desert looking for them. Nor was I reading legendary hieroglyphics about how to unlock some treasure known as “girls.” The discovery more or less found me. And then, there would be the times, the many times, these so-called “discoveries” would trigger some deathly booty trap (you mean booby trap). Yeah, booby trap! Forcing me to run, run away fast and fight for my sanity. Looking back, it would have been easier to avoid large rolling balls and half-naked murderous natives — a lot easier!
Yet, I know for a fact that I was consciously aware of girls, their Mary Janes and knee socks, as early as the Second Grade. 1980. I silently observed them from afar. One had definitely caught my attention. She had long blond hair, dimples and blue eyes. Yeah, those sparklers were blue.
Saturday nights, I would sneak back to my room to watch Barbara Mandrell and Mandrell Sisters Show. Although Barbara was a blond, it was her sisters Louise and Irlene that floated my boat. I thought Irene was HAWT! The three of them would wear those skin tight pants and wear really glossy lip gloss. Irene was goofy and a bit ditsy but she had that Colonel Wilma Deering flare to her. My mother caught me watching the show once. She asked about it and I quickly replied I was waiting for CHiPs. She bought it. Yet, she reminded me that CHiPs was on Sunday night.
Then, like Howard Carter, a major discovery found me. Sitting in Mrs. Carrell’s Second Grade classroom, Jenny and Katie began to stare. (Technically, their names were not Jenny and Katie. I have changed their names to protect their innocence or possibly protect mine. wink- wink.) The two girls flanked me; one on the right, one on the left. I was biting the eraser of my number two pencil, trying to ponder the answer to the difficult mathematical problem of 124 divided by 2, or something like that, when I noticed both girls looking at me and giggling. I rubbed my nose making sure I wasn’t dangling a booger and went back to my math problem. After they continued to stare, giggle and point in my direction, I lifted my hand forming a self-conscious point to my chest and mouthed the word, “me?” The two girls nodded. I immediately became paranoid. I checked my shoe laces. Damn! Velcro! Laughable, I know, but why today? I checked my hair. It was its usual bowl cut mop. It felt normal. I checked my zipper. Docking bay door was closed. Why were these chicks looking at me?
The rest of the events are vague so I’ll try and recall them the best I can. I think the answer would come in the form of a passed note. The two girls had scribbled on a small piece of wide ruled paper the question, “Can we be your girlfriend?” Hell yeah! I thought. But my body reacted differently. I acted dumbfounded. My heart pounded. My mind raced. I closed the note and opened it again. I looked to both Jenny and Katie. Both smiled like those girls on the Price Is Right. I looked to them and nodded. Jenny and Katie’s eyes blossomed with happiness.
An hour later, I sat on the playground and Jenny and Katie walked up and joined me. We laughed. We joked. I played hard to get. I tried to sneak a peek at their underwear. Damn shorts-under-skirts rule! I told them I’d walk them home. She smiled and both girls pecked me on the cheek.
As I walked back into Valley View, Shawn asked why I was hanging out with Jenny and Katie. I turned, tugged at my cuff, as only James Bond could do and responded, because I’m one sexy bitch! (okay, that’s not what I said.) My real response was “’cuz I always do two girls at one time.”
