My refusal to Grow Up and my determination to remain a Toys R Us Kid has guided my preference in hobbies and likes/dislikes even into mid-life adulthood. Although, I have definitely relaxed many of the associated burdens in the last few years (I’ll explain later).
I’ve always been a dreamer. I’ve always looked away and imagined a better world. This can be justified by why movies and TV impacted my life so greatly. The unfortunate fact is: the little box with pictures was a surrogate parent for most of my childhood. Even into teen years and early adulthood, I found it a comfortable crutch to fall back on in tough or stressful times. With a click, I was transported into another world or time. The characters around me were much more interesting than the ordinary people in my life. A sad fact from my early childhood was using every birthday wish, penny into the wishing well wish, prayers and shooting stars wishes asking—no pleading—for the worlds of Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica to magically take me away. (I still wish it from time to time.)
The string of stellar events that would define me would start with the release of Star Wars; jump back to Six Million Dollar Man, move forward with the debut of Battlestar Galactica; Superman: The Movie; G.I. Joe; Robotech and Star Trek: Next Generation. Over the years, each would return and in some ironic set of events repeat my preference for each.
So, as my childhood progressed, Star Wars was interrupted in 1983 by a cartoon known as G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero. Suddenly, there was something just as cool as Star Wars but grounded here on Earth. And there was a Ruthless Terrorist Organization Determined to Rule the World, known as Cobra! The show debuted Fall 1983. It was a five part mini-series based on the Hasbro toy line but at the time, I was just not aware of the toys. I had focused so much on Star Wars, I had missed it. I can’t explain how awesome this show was for me at 10 (going on 11) years old. I raced my bike home every afternoon to catch the next episode. And when it was complete, I begged the TV to play more. KCOP in L.A. would re-run it a couple times along with debuting its mechanized cousin, The Transformers mini-series. The show caused me to box up the Star Wars figures and head out to the store. Kmart had nothing! ALCO had nothing! WTF! I want me some fucking G.I. Joe figures. I know they exist as I saw the commercials. Hell, the show was a glorified toy commercial! There was a little off-the-wall toy store in the mall that mainly sold bears, dolls and constructive toys not the big commercial ones. I found one G.I. Joe figure in there. It was a Short Fuze. It wasn’t even a new 1983 figure. It was an original 1982 version, non swivel grip arm, before there was a Cobra listed on the back of the card, figure. But I didn’t care. I borrowed against my allowance for four consecutive weeks and bought him. (price tag was $3.99!!) This was the very first G.I. Joe figure I ever bought! And it was F-ing rad!
Let me back up just a few weeks. I said the Short Fuze was the first G.I. Joe figure I ever bought. It was. But it wasn’t my first G.I. Joe figure ever. With the cartoon mini-series, I became aware of G.I. Joe toys. One Saturday, SM and me went to ALCO via our bikes. In the toy isle, I held in my hands the ultra rad ninja ass-kicking Cobra known as Storm Shadow. I was 10 and had only a few pennies to my name (to which I would spend down at the Five and Dime on Penny gum later). The price tagged read $2.49! Two dollars and 49 cents was a helluva lot of money. It could have been a million dollars. Yet, SM had a solution. He would take it into the ALCO bathroom. What the Fuck? Does Stormie need to take a dump? I quickly questioned SM why? He told me to shut the fuck up and wait for him in the toy isle. After a few minutes, he returned and said “let’s go.” I followed. We rode our bikes around to the back of the Plains Park Shopping Center where he pulled from his crouch ol’ Stormie! He gave him to me and said “he’s all yours.” At first I was so astonished I forgot that: first:, it was just inside SM’s underwear!! Eww! Second, that he just fucking stole this figure from ALCO. Ahh, that’s why he went to the bathroom! I asked Stormie if SM had molested him in the bathroom but he said he didn’t want to talk about it. I felt it best to just let it go. And thus, he was my first G.I. Joe. (for the record, all of my other Joes were paid for and obtained honestly, ethically and in accordance with local laws!)
And that’s how I got my first two G.I. Joe figures.
Now you Know, and knowing is half the battle!
